Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
