I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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