i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
