I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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