why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
