the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize