oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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