My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
