I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize