o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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