Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Mom said you looked used
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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