I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
that may or may not have been my penis.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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