I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
