yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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