Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
