theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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