I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
