I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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