I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize