I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
