Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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