i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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