I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
