Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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