Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
