Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
