I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
