Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
