break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
