My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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