Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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