Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
