omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
