If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
