U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
