you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
