Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
