Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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