I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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