sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
