just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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