Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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