We're like a lot better than the average bears
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
