Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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