we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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