May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
