Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
