Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
