Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
