I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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