Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
