my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
