pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
