Just fell off a train. Bad.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
