He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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