I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
