we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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