I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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