After last night, I could never be a politician.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
