Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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