Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
