today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
