At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
