Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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