was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
