You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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