new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
