EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
