Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
