"it" just moved
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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