Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
