If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
