I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
