I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
