I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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