im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
