Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
