i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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