Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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