dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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